Find Your People
In my first few weeks of college, I remember scanning the room at orientation events and club meetings and parties, trying to spot anyone who looked interesting or friendly. Once I had a few acquaintances from the dorm, we traveled like a pack around campus and town, looking to grow our social circles together. In a sea of other new students, finding friends felt overwhelming at first, and every new introduction felt full of possibility.
With any transition to a new place and community comes new relationships. New bosses, coaches, teammates, roommates, class buddies and more. When we walk into a new room, we look around and try to spot someone we might connect with. We look for buddies who get our sense of humor, share our drive, or will get us through that tough class. These buddies make new things less intimidating and give us a sense of belonging.
As we settle into these circles of acquaintances, we need more than just friendliness to really make a place feel like home. So take the next step and look for those people who you don’t just get along with, but who share your values and whom you respect. To share someone’s values means that you have similar ideas about boundaries, behaviors, and priorities. Friendships shape us into who we will become. If we seek out the company of people who are honest and kind, curious and open, we will become more honest and kind, curious and open. Ecclesiastes talks about the strength and importance of these kinds of friendships: “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” These friendships help us grow stronger in character.
“Friendships shape us into who we will become”
Once you find your footing with new buddies and find like minded people, you might also find a deeper friendship: soul friends. What is a soul friend? Coming from the Celtic spiritual tradition, a soul friend is called anam cara. An anam cara is the friend who offers supportive and compassionate presence, who knows the real you, and who is a safe conversation partner for big questions. Having these kinds of friendships in our lives is an important part of a healthy spiritual life. St. Brigid of Ireland even said that a person without an anam cara, a Christian without a soul friend, was like a body without a head.
Your soul friend might be a teammate or from another area of your life. They may have a similar background and way of talking about God and spirituality to you, or might have a completely different outlook. This is a person who shares your values and your attitude toward spiritual growth. It is much more important that you find a friend who is a good listener, who cares about their own faith journey and yours, and isn’t afraid to be honest about questions, struggles, doubts, or joys. These are the friends who open up to each other, not just about surface level things, but about their hearts and hopes.
Finding your people—the fun acquaintances, the friends with shared values, and the “anam cara”s—takes time and intention. But when you find your people, when you click, go deeper, share your values, and open your heart, you will be home.